October 20, 2016

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

I did not permit my army’s viewing of the debate. We are concerned with the fundamental transgressions of the nation and not with its most superficial manifestation. As well we lacked cell service.

I received the favor of your letter and I reviewed your Examination of Degree of Willful Ignorance for the Right of Individual Suffrage.

There is much to consider. If a man’s ignorance is determined to be willful, how may we then instill the requisite discipline to remedy that intent? And still then what is to be done with Maury Povich?

We are camped at a horse farm in the western Connecticut hamlet of Sherman, the mercantilist landowner from New York foolishly leaving acres fallow where the rocky topsoil is suitable for hay or an orchard of sour cherry. I arose at dawn amidst the slumber and snores of my men and rode eighteen miles on horseback. The property is lined with brilliant orange sugar maples. L’Adrian’s chair was ever getting mired in gullies of mud as he wheeled beside me and often I was obligated to reprimand him for his sloth and profanity.

The sight of our men adapting to rural life grows my bosom with much satisfaction. Acquainted with arms, but unacquainted with military or farming skill or the din of field crickets, each day they want less of confidence in themselves. Teddy Sweatpants has become a skilled scavenger of sassafras and bloodroot. First lieutenant Lucyfruit demonstrates an advanced knowledge and enthusiasm for hemp cultivation.     

A pile of discarded electrical devices grows each day on the southern end of the property. There is no capacity to power them, and I have mandated their disposal, the pile growing ever more with Pop Tarts and antiperspirants and other items of little use to our rural existence. We have thus named our location Fort Extraneous.

Experience teaches us that it is much easier to prevent adversaries from posting themselves than it is to dislodge them after they have got possession. We hope this fort will provide us a secure location for future actions against Mr. Povich or other threats.

I am pleased with our renewed correspondence, as much as I am, your most humble and obedient servant,

George Washington

p.s. Please relay to me your impressions of the debate; our only news has come from several bad hombres, seen poaching from our newly planted fields.