September 6, 2016

Dear Mr. Adams,

The confidence that appears in your writings never fails to delight me. You are wise to communicate in print. I adore my Ipad, but fear that with electronic mail we deliver words with such speed that they are passed without mental digestion as if by laxative, requiring the reader to remain ever close to a latrine. Also, I lose correspondence in the spam folder and hidden tabs of my google mail—far more often than from my dear postal service.

I am glad that you and Mr. Jefferson have again kindled a repartie in the pursuit of justice. No doubt you know that despotism today is not a single-headed monarchy, but a hydra of venomous influence and eradicating such influence will require a more sophisticated strategy than assembling a congress or an army. Still, we would be wise to once again work together, or most assuredly we will work separately and at minimum wage, without health care. I am in no position—with my gout and arthritis, to live without health care—nor am in in any position to work, which is why I reside in this fabulous city. Your mail was forwarded to me at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. The first floor is certainly evidence of the great portion of mankind that is weak and ignorant and the upholstery appears to predate the French and Indian war. And though the city itself is a school of vice and folly, there are still valuable lessons and favorable lines to be availed. The electric lights are remarkable and Alabama is laying only 13 and a half points at home. I have so effectively orchestrated a series of modest parlays that I have earned both the suspicion of the floor manager and an attractive luxury suite through the holiday weekend.

To the immediate business at hand: I respect your position against Mr. Goodell who is a buffoon. But note that I support the Eagles of course, and thus prefer we concern ourselves with those whose buffoonery is of wider impact, and thus of greater menace. In this arena, we will have ample opportunity to demonstrate our utility.

I hope Mr. Adams, that you are not so dismayed by America’s failings that you feel only bitterness in loss and no joy in what has been gained. There is much to admire of our modern republic. Have you had a Cinnabon? It is extraordinary.

Your cousin has kindly invited me to join his league of fantasy football and so far I am much pleased with it. Perhaps you wish to participate. I have several trades to consider though perhaps I should first approach Mr. Jefferson as his selection of Colin Kaepernick with the first pick has inspired debate among my high roller friends.

I have insisted to them that he is not “an inalienable little bitch,” however, and is endowed by the league president with the right to choose Colin Kaepernick—a right implied in the league’s charter. Though I do not support the decision to exercise that right, and certainly not in the first round, as it appears to be done conspicuously to offend.

Much as I question Mr. Kaepernick’s motives, I question Mr. Jefferson’s, and whether he is not using the Redcoats and Wigwams Yahoo league as a means to perhaps endear himself to his liberal acquaintances and thus find corporal enjoyment in Charlottesville.

Awaiting your kind reply and believe me ever your affectionate friend,

Benjamin Franklin

p.s. The Stratosphere has just provided me with additional compensatory rooms and entertainment if you wish to visit.