September 6th, 2016
Dear Dr. Franklin,
I have gained some knowledge of your present criticisms and have gained little satisfaction from them. Though we both recognize the folly of fantasy footballing, you surely agree that if we are to endear ourselves to those among us, we are to partake in their diversions. And as it comes to diversions, I little doubt that you are availing yourself of every opportunity.
You ought thus to know that I drafted Mr. Kaepernick in the first round due only to his considerable talent and leadership, and no other motive.
Motives are often fickle and forever multiple, and no man beneath our Creator since the first forbidden bite can thus claim absolute purity. But if you are familiar with the spirit of the Black Lives Matter’s cause and with my own fidelity to virtue and propriety, you should know well that Mr. Kaepernick wishes only to heal an apparent injustice, and if I am to partake in this foolery, I am determined to win the Redcoats and Wigwams Yahoo! League but at no cost to prudence or principle. I can best succeed with a quarterback that demonstrates social conscience and an ability to run with the ball. Also, Blaine Gabbert is an abomination.
A team, whether incarnate or fantastical, should not be formed from light and transient sentiments and thus I have a roster constituted of players with great skill and strength of character:
QB: Colin Kaepernick
QB: Teddy Bridgewater
RB: Jim Brown
RB: Dion Lewis
WR: Mohamed Sanu
WR: Dez Bryant
TE: Martellus Bennett
DEF: Washington Redskins
K: Megan Rapinoe
My friend Ayesha begged against me drafting a team whose moniker is so offensive, but Josh Norman is a ball hawk and the NFC East is tres faible.
Ayesha is a wonderful young lady, and I pray that you soon make her acquaintance. I trust that a man with your romantic heart should commiserate with my sentiments. She is often being harried away to conferences and protests and when I am far from her I am overwhelmed with grief, every fibre of my frame distended beyond its natural powers to bear, and I find that I would willingly meet whatever catastrophe to please her.
That does not suggest I join BLM only for her! I am convinced of the movement’s righteous place in the development of our nation’s conscience.
I will beg leave as Ayesha wishes my presence at a Safe Spaces meeting on the quad, though I am still enfeebled from a night of butt-chugging. I did not partake of course but the witnessing has left me unwell.
I give you assurances of esteem and highest regard with which I have the honour to be dear Sir your most obedient and most humble servant,
