September 13, 2016

Dear Dolley,

I was saddened to hear of your separation. I pray that your decision will be proven wise by the wisdom you may gain from it, but know that while this world may offer trifles, it is still no easy life for a maiden.

As you requested my advisements, let me first suggest that you not pass so much of your time in the dedication of pleasing others. With great regret, after so many Sunday afternoons, I now know well the difference between a first down and a touchdown and know too that Mr. Newton is disposed to throwing high—but still I care as much of these trivialities as I do the temperament and habits of simple men, or the many varied recipes of pumpkin and spice.

The game is violent and corrupt and thus you will be more at ease if your mind is ever far from it. I am resigned now to Mr. Adams’ dalliances with his New England friends, simpletons as they are, though I am not resigned to Sundays in worship of a game and not of our Savior. As I received the body of Christ this Sunday last, I was saddened to see so many depart before benediction, destined for rituals of gluttony and other vices. Is thus our Lord today the awkward brow of Joe Buck? The distorted jowl of Troy Aikman on Sundays at noon? Is the house of the Lord now the stadium owned by the gentry but paid for by the mindless masses?

Humanity obliges us to be affected with the distresses and miseries of our fellow creatures so I do not advise against your social outings, as they are so evidently vital to your generous and fragile spirit. But darling I pray you develop your own beacon and do not worship the deity of male ignorance or feminine appropriation. The world is in great want of a lady’s byzantine strength. We have it in our power, not only to free ourselves, but to subdue our masters, and without violence.

I am as pleased by your letter as much as I am your friend,

Abigail Adams

p.s. You asked explicitly for my advisements and thus I advise you not to partake in Grindr.