September 20, 2016

Dear Mr. Adams,

Our Army labors under great disadvantages. A multitude of my men have been watching television programs in the morning for many years. We also remain deficient in clothing and insulin and not all are of able-body and mind but the men are zealous in the cause and of unquestionable courage. At present, we are encamped due west of the Vince Lombardi service area in New Jersey and have established entrenchments to the rear of a Pottery Barn.

L’Adrian bravely wheeled himself across Road number 95 to permit our arrival, though losses stand at six wounded from the harried crossing and the 4th regiment remains stalled at a Sports Authority liquidation sale three miles south of the Hackensack Indian settlement of Communipaw.  

On an inspection of the maps, an enemy presents itself, to my view, as very eligible to occupy and hold. Matt Lauer is positioned north/northeast of our camp. I have not been able, from any intelligence I have received, to form any certainty of his future operations, but I estimate it is sure to feed the malignancy of deceit and ignorance and thus to the malformed judgment of our peoples.

I have instructed my deputies to resume a rigorous regimen to enable our assault. Though stricken with gout and a fear of pigeons, 1st lieutenant Teddy Sweatpants leads mild calisthenical exercises before dawn. Soldiers and competent citizens are not made in a day, and our men shall endeavor to be not only learned but virtuous, with no hour misspent. Staff Sgt. Pepe and Private Tits McGee conduct readings of “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation,” and since I have witnessed a not insignificant decline in public defecation amongst the men.

I take great comfort in knowing that Mr. Lauer is likely ill-prepared for our push forward at daybreak. It is to be cloudy all the forenoon tomorrow, with a little rain and clear afterwards, winds from the northwest. At present, all around are wrapped in sleep. Manta lanterns with flameless candles flicker inside the barn of pottery. Pray that we may enact great loss upon our enemy and that our conduct in battle will reflect the highest honor upon them and upon our great nation, as I have the honor to be, with great respect sir, your most obedient servant,

General George Washington

p.s. Please request from Congress procurement as we are still in desperate want of uniforms. I fear also we may soon risk desertion. Morale in great measure depends upon a replenish of Double Doubler scratching lottery tickets.