Dear Mr. Adams,

We viewed the debate from a Best Buy warehouse, one mile south of Bridgeport. The long march to our current position was marked by the fiercest false advertising and unattended road construction yet seen. Horror and detestation is strongly marked on the countenances of many of my men.

Mr. Matt Lauer has been in our captivity for three days. A forced viewing of the debate concluded our long exercise of his humiliation and punishment. In my view, a proper hanging for inciting public ignorance was the prescribed sentence, but deputies impressed that a gallows would slow traffic on the Bronx crossing road and that a tar and feathering would be of further disruption. We thus proceeded with a more prudent retribution. 

I am obligated by 10 U.S. code 113 to submit the following report to Congress on our military actions:

On the morning of September 24th we landed on the isle of Manhattan with skiffs of air procured at the Sports Authority liquidation event. The men, uniformed in Rex Grossman jerseys procured at the same, numbered near fifty. Their crossing of the East River was a sight of uncommon brilliance—a crimson wave of discipline and coordination heretofore not found in our ragged army that should bring them confidence in future operations.

We intercepted the enemy at a Caribou Coffeehouse, where he was procuring milk, coffee, sugar, powdered cacao bean, and a spiced pumpkin, a catalog of items that gave proper time for our raid. We employed Algonquin tactics of concealment. Mr. Lauer offered little resistance, his head oblong and his frame light to carry. His screams gave evidence of great confusion. I shall too, at the nearest, submit to Congress the nomination of Lt. Teddy Sweatpants, for subduing an apparent ally of Mr. Lauer in the coffeehouse. The citation shall read: “for unyielding courage and bravery, for gallant actions in close contact with the enemy, subduing an elderly woman who maintained an inexplicable affinity for Matt Lauer, in keeping with the highest traditions of military service.”

My men then properly detained the prisoner in a corner booth at the nearest Bob Evans country restaurant. He was provided comestible only from Bob Evans, alternating sausage links and patties, a diet which led to dangerous levels of dehydration in our captive that pre-empted further punishment.

Mr. Lauer is to be released this evening. In exchange we have requested three horses with the requisite hay, saddles and pillions, 4 lbs. hominy with vita-power boosts, 3 pkgs. adult absorbent products, four dozen scratching lottery tickets, whey protein and season 4 of Breaking Bad.

I will provide future reports as sure as I am your most humble and obedient servant,

General George Washington

p.s. Where are our men of abilities? Why do they not come forth to as well save their country? And is “birther” not a modern obscenity in reference to the female anatomy? Why is such vulgarity permitted in a debate?