October 25, 2016

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

Be ever reminded that there is little the General does not relay to me in respect to matters of national importance.

While I share your concern over willful ignorance, we cannot through federal imposition forbid the picturing of one’s own rear end. Such prohibition should be made through the divided power of the States or local courts.

Education however, that great diffusion of knowledge across the land, is still our surest remedy. In fact, I remain several courses short of a degree at Virginia myself without the requisite credits in Computer Literacy, Non-Western Perspectives and Advanced Tolerance, and am eager to expand my knowledge. My advisor deems me to have shown considerable promise. As evidence, I have been nominated and am honored to be, an eligible candidate for President of this esteemed student body. I regret that you are unlikely to be ever afforded such opportunity due to your foreign birth.

My opponent in the election, Chad, is as merciless in politics as he is on the field of lacrosse (though his interception to assist ratio remains poor in comparison to other midfielders in the conference). His square-headed minions have disseminated vile literature questioning my lack of electronic record keeping and suggesting I have committed disqualifying acts, such as slave ownership and bullying. I acknowledge the indiscretion of slavery. But is an opponent who cannot distinguish between Seneca and Cicero on his midterm not deserving of public ridicule? Was I then wrong to announce Chad as a hideous hermaphroditic character with no knowledge of history or even his own hindquarters? Regardless, are not hermaphrodites currently trending?

I am again indebted to my friend Ayesha for her companionship and guidance. She has set my campaign on a steady course, steering me in the direction of proper strategy and the removal of my man-bun. I placed second in Delta Gam’s sporting beer pong contest though I am enraged still by my partner’s disregard for fundamental laws of geometry and logic when re-racking prematurely.

If a nation expects to be ignorant — and free — in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. Thus I respect your designs, however imprudent. With this Presidency earned, I shall be able at a local level to assist in our elimination of willful ignorance, and thus I am as ever,

Your friend and humble ally,

Thomas Jefferson  

p.s. Do you know what form you might take on Halloween? Ayesha is dressing as a “Nasty Woman” and I am told I should be sublimely delighted.