December 13, 2016

Dear Cousin,

Abigail tells of you wandering Boylston Street this Wednesday last in your winter undergarments. Take heed, John. There are as many cameras as ways to offend today. A mere slip of your woolen fly could lead to national disaster.

You are weary. I know. I have grown weary too. I am weary of fear and weary of despair. I am weary of petitions and clicking links. I have grown weary of posting on threads. I have grown weary of attempting to discern reason from those governed by emotion and weary still from arguing with that gentleman from Saunderstown who is friends with Doug Hanley and has that profile picture of his Lhasa Apso. But our business is not to change minds or events. Our business is to wisely improve them both. Let ale and fine spirits prevail—for now. Let us imbibe in distraction!

You and your Portia are thus warmly invited to our grand re-opening. As a businessman I now know it is unwise to curse patrons and reject political opinion. Instead, we shall serve each political opinion. A microbrew for every microcosm and micro-aggression.

I provide you with a list below, as some are significantly micro and thus require an order several weeks prior to imbibing.

  1. Alt-Wit bier, 100% rich Bavarian hops (8.4% abv)
  2. LGBT Gender Bender amber ale (4.8% abv)
  3. St. Paul Girl transgender lager (50%)
  4. Hack ‘n Tan (5.1%/10.0%  abv)
  5. Dirty Hoegaarden (12.7% abv)
  6. Melania’s Hard Lemonade (1.1%)
  7. # (fill-in-the-blank) IPA (0-100% abv, per seasonal trending availability)
  8. Dakota Access non-alcoholic beer (27.2% abv)
  9. Gluten-free Cherry Wheat ale (7.6% abv)
  10. Lives Matter beer flight (Black, Blue, All and other lives available)

I pray to commiserate with you and Abigail both at the event. I would suffer in many respects from your absence or sobriety.

I am with greatest sincerity, your affectionate cousin,

Sam Adams

p.s. Paul Revere beer will be available in bottles, and as always, Sam Adams beer will be strictly prohibited. Recall that butt-chugging is also now prohibited per Massachusetts Department of Health regulations, but still please do tip your servers.