January 12, 2017

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

Our countrymen have aged more than the few months since our last correspondence, have they not? They seem to require an assist each day to merely rise and take a shower. Or perhaps that is the obesity? Or fear of the shower?

If the smallest of leaks and the smallest of hands can sink the greatest of ships, Mr. Jefferson, your incomparable prudence and your indefatigable disposition are best suited for navigating this sea of our republic’s discontent. I have great respect for our Mr. Adams. His attempts at personal growth are admirable. But there is a vast difference between mindfulness and the fine art of diplomacy and we shall need all our powers of prudence and ingenuity in this New New World. I would not like to see anger lead to shame and thus opportunities being pissed away.

I confess to owning a fair share of shame and anger in my bosom at present, who among us does not? And I own a fair share of piss in my arbor vitae if taking my Flomax as prescribed. But I also now own $48,000 from a series of Golden Globe parlays and have saved nearly every earned penny to secure an executive suite at The Golden Nugget. I propose that we use these winnings to purchase our freedom to pursue what is useful and necessary. You no doubt concur that restoring our country’s integrity applies to each. And does not betterment in today’s America cost money, like all else?

My inventory of procurements to date includes the following necessary accouterments: iPads and iGlasses and an iShoeHorn and a fleet of drones that could well invade the Prussian Empire. So many curse these gadgets as evil distractions from humanity and Providence. But have you seen how a RTF5 Hexacopter can brush the face of God amongst the clouds? What extraordinary progress might we together make with such devices? How might it aid our countrymen, these gadgets and our aptitude for their best use? Consider these questions, Mr. Jefferson and do harry in a response. I have $48,000, but I am too at war with my vices, and in Las Vegas, such vices carry a slight burning and a great expense.

With hearty wishes for our prosperity and success in this new year,

Benjamin Franklin

p.s. Have you discovered “hacking?” It is a delight. With prudence it may open doors to our nation’s conscience, but be advised that it has yet opened doors to any maiden’s heart.